U..
Firstly, i wanna apologize for not updating Bubbles for almost a year. My last meaningful update was December 23rd 2008..
I apologize for not sharing things about my life, my family, my friends, my career and of course Si Dia.. 2009 has been crazy! Total madness and a dreadful mess.
This e-mail came in my inbox this morning.. Subject: U
This is for you,
I HATE that you are so smart but you lose it because of him
I HATE that you fail to realized how shitty he treats you
I HATE that you neglect me when you have him
I HATE that you dont care about anything else other than him
I HATE that you can have a better life without him but you refuse to move on
other than that im ok and im tired of hating. ok. Im done
-Anonymous-
These 5 “I hate” statements changed my entire morning & would change the entire day and days coming i’d say.. sender shall remain unknown to all of you. just so you know that this entire situation has caused me more than a heartbreak. I lost people that are dear to me.. it may not be physically, but I lost them in trust and respect.
I need this space to talk about Si Dia.. Might take me more than 1 entry and you’ll soon find your way as to how the statement above came about…
Tanpa sedar I’ve been close to him for more than a year. Yup.. 13 months to be exact. My God, if only I have a memory of an elephant.. I would love to expel every single thing about Si Dia & I.. but unfortunately my mind has suffered relapses.. as I call it.. although my sisters love to refer to it as “the state of denial”.. Perhaps it is just that.. Denial.. Denial.. Denial.. basis of the entire unnecessary pressures.
Lets recap from January 09.. the major thing I could and want to remember is the 21st of January 09. 11.30pm somewhere near my place. Gist of the conversation between Si Dia & I was the fact that if we didn’t try we would never know that we could be for each other. So, we decided to put our “relationship” on play mode. We decided. It was mutual. Nobody made the decision for the other person. So yes! We were and item. Notice the word “were”. Funny… Our relationship lasted 3 days.. pathetic but mostly funny. And the best part is, it didn’t end with a conversation nor did it end with an argument. I just happened. Si Dia met me and a few friends for coffee on the 3rd day. Over the past 2 hours we were there, not once did he address me or even acknowledge my presence. I felt a thunder reap my soul off this body and I was sad. Later I left without saying goodbye to him. Then on the way back, he texted. “I know I acted like a jerk and I’m Sorry”. I for the first time didn’t reply and decided to cool down until tomorrow. Let’s just see if I could wake up the next day & acted like nothing happened.. (evidence of being denial)!
Next morning I texted him and ask him out for lunch as it was a Saturday. He replied that he can’t as he’s packing and leaving for Bali in 4 hours! He needed space and time to find himself he said. Of course I was shocked as hell and angry coz Bali was suppose to be our trip when we took the bet to loose weight before. But then I stood and think, ok! Let him go. Let him get what he wants. Let him settle and think of his life and start setting priorities and goals in life. When I wanted to send him off, he said, don’t worry about it. He’s got a ride. Long story short, he was at the airport, he checked in but never flew to Bali.. reason being, according to him it was technicality problems.. I say, it was God’s grace to teach him a lesson for his intent to run away from problems.. (well, at least that’s how I see it..).
No news from him for the next 10 days! That includes his birthday which falls end of January. I didn’t call nor text to wish him. I assume the day he left for Bali was the end of our relationship. So I was in no way obligated to do anything anymore. But then February 3rd he texted. Cant remember any significant conversation but he came over to see me.. we chat at the parking lot for a good 1 hour. Then we sort of came to an agreement that we need another day to really sit down and spill the beans. It was set, we went out for dinner the following night. Reservations were made at a restaurant to celebrate his overdue birthday. He picked me. Sempat menjeling before saying I look good in the white shirt and blue jeans.. Only because he had the same thing on. Hahaha.. tak sengaja… anyways, we enjoyed dinner then talked.
“I like you. I’m comfortable with you. Every day closer to you brings me close to reaching perfection. You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You’re even more beautiful than my Ex grifriend. I’m a very lucky man. My family has never stopped praising you and has never stopped wanting you to be the one. I know if I let you go I’d be the stupidest men ever. But all these are just in my head. Not my Heart. I don’t wanna hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m trying hard but I keep hurting you and I don’t wanna do that. Can we please just let things be the way it is for the time being?
So how do you think I reacted? Judging at where I am now, of course I took his idea and let things be the way it is. Not forcing each other into a relationship, let alone a commitment.
Then time pass by, February was ok.. then March came in with immerse emotional challenge. Ups and downs with him just being him and with me being the drama queen u all know I am . Then April came. The last I heard from him was April 13th. At that time when he didn’t reply my text and ignored my calls, I said THAT”S IT. If he wants me, he’ll know where to look. It was by far the worst period of my life this year. 5 God damn weeks of silence. 35 long days and nites of total shut down. No contact made at all. No encounters whether intentionally or not. I cried almost every night for no reason, I kept checking my phone for missed calls and messages. Nada! Nothing!! I slowly learnt that I need to move on. Slowly but surely. Deleted all his SMSes. Didn’t want to at first. But God’s great. My phone had problems and has to be reformatted. Nothing could be saved. Except my soul so that I don’t have to read all his txt again every nite in bed.. Needed to find a diversion. Started gym. Lost a lot of inches, which by the way I am so fucking proud off and still working on loosing more.. Felt good. Had more time for work, family and myself. Felt great!
Then, just when I thought he was gone, he emerged! He texted on May 19th at 7.49pm! I remember having coffee with a dear fren who later slept over. I admit, we were talking about him and how I needed to let go. Suddenly SMS came in. I picked the phone and I swear I shouted and swore! I was shivering when I showed my friend that it’s his name that appeared on the phone. I was shaking! Excited? Maybe but mostly it was as if I just saw a ghost coz he died and he came back!! Whatever the hell for..his txt read “ Hi Mel. Its been a while. Wanna meet up for Coffee?” Thank God my friend was there. She helped rationalized my thinking and reminded me of how successful I was at keeping him at bay. So, that was it. I did not reply the text at all.. Finally found the strength to live without him…
TBC (To be continued)
anyways, this morning Si Dia kata nak lunch sama2 but then takpelah, I have to go to the office walaupun masuk lambat today.. ada meeting at 3pm. Sampai sekarang almost 2pm dia tak tepon pun nak kuar lunch, so tak lah kot..