A Beautiful Mess
Where do i even begin?? ppl might think that i do not have other things to do since i have time to update my blog during office hours.. : D In fact i dont. well, i do.. but not as much as i thought i would have.. i wanna share about what happened yesterday.. yes, its about Si Dia, yet again…
Dont wanna go into details as it would take up more time to write and read.. you all should know by now how scrupulous i can get when i tell my tales…. anyways..lets begin where it ended.. .
I drove him home from our outing (since he’s still incapable to drive yet due to the surgery).. and it rained like cats and dogs.. we decided to sit in his car, parked in his porch to wait for the rain to stop.. this is where we had this serious conversation for the first time.. (im pausing at this instant because i needed to think what the conversation was about..was it even serious??? all this questions linger in my head while i sip my hot coffee..)
He asked what was going through my mind.. I wish i could say that it was HIM and US.. If there is even US… but of course i didnt.. i told him im fine.. i could be better, but im fine.. i said, lets not talk about me.. lets talk about u.. that’s when he laid out his future plans.. work, being financially stable, having a house & car, retiring at the age of 40 and travelling the world.. he either unconsciously miss the marriage part or he does not intend to be in one.. i remembered smiling and shaking my head.. what was i thinking?? then he says about wanting to lend me money for the downpayment of my new car.. i said, thanks.. but no thanks.. a smart thing i did that was..
i cant remember what i said later but then i decided to call it the night. He’s getting restless with his stiches and the annoying ulcer he’s had for days. and i really think he should be resting rather than be out in the cold weather.. but anyways, we said our goodbyes and off i went home..
Getting ready to go to bed, i decided to send him a SMS. it read..
“Dear Si Dia, tq 4 listening. My life is a mess now, but if i tell u everythin, it cud be a tsunami like u said before. Im trying hard to make rite decisions and choices. but sometimes i make mistakes. Whats important is i tried bcz if i dont i’ll never know. Im sorry if i hurt u in anyways by being emotional or sensitive. But its this heart n empathy that i have that makes me c things differently..”
I then fell asleep only to wake up at 4.30 am to find a reply he gave 2 hrs ago.. it read..
” We’re only human. Life is about choosing. Either way, its going somewhere. Live your life! its too short to neglect it. Time and money is very hard to balance, so do it one at a time. Appreciate what we have, had and will have. have no regrets, enjoy, explore and experience life now. Im doing it right now and its not fun alone. i hope we can do it together. Thanks to you. Please remind this to each other .THANK YOU.. “
“APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE, HAD AND WILL HAVE”.. We? As in US or U and I individually?? “I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER..” my question is.. as friends? as lovers? as partners? as what?? but of course.. i didnt ask this to him.. i didnt even reply his sms… i went on with my life today.. like any other ordinary day..
when is it that i can ever ask him all this?? why cant i find the courage to ask? is it because i promised i’ll give him time? or is it because i was afraid to face the tendency of loosing him if i do… ?? questions..questions and more questions.. so, to uncomplicate things, i’ll pretend that we didnt have this conversation… Can i??
Suddenly the song The Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz played on my lappy.. its a slow number.. it beautiful.. he’s interpreting his relationship with this women as a beautiful mess. the girls is strong but needy.. Humble but greedy.. and how she sometimes contradicts what she said before.. but at the end of the day.. he still loves this beautiful mess he’s in.. the last para of that song is the most beautiful way to describe this complictaed relationship he has.. well, the complicate relationship i’m having or i hope to have… it reads..
“ And through timeless words, and priceless pictures,
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth,
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure,
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together,
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts,
But it’s nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.”
Kalau Si Dia terbaca… Can this beautiful mess be ours to share??
Anonymous says:
Sometime being direct to the point is the best thing ever. Tak guna kita tunggu lama-lama, dalam hati mengharap dan di akhir waktu, hati kita akan hancur. Walaupun kita simpan 20% ruang di dalam hati untuk recover, perasaan dikeciwakan tetap akan jadi parut di dalam hati yang akan kekal selamanya. Hint: Kahwin takkan menghalang kita dari mendapatkan apa yang kita nak, duit, pangkat, pencen. Semua tu kita boleh capai asalkan kita yakin. In fact, perkahwinanlah yang membuka pintu rezeki. Doa banyak-banyak dan berserah.
amina says:
Babe,
All i can say is be true to yourself and for once u have to be a bit selfish in putting what you want as your priority. No harm of asking. You never know what’s in his mind.
When you think he’s strong enough, why don’t u ask. U have to be brave on this.
I pray for your happiness
ierugsd says:
Read this article, immersive its habitat.