I apologize for not sharing things about my life, my family, my friends, my career and of course Si Dia.. 2009 has been crazy! Total madness and a dreadful mess.

This e-mail came in my inbox this morning.. Subject: U

This is for you,

I HATE that you are so smart but you lose it because of him

I HATE that you fail to realized how shitty he treats you

I HATE that you neglect me when you have him

I HATE that you dont care about anything else other than him

I HATE that you can have a better life without him but you refuse to move on

other than that im ok and  im tired of hating. ok. Im done

-Anonymous-

These 5 “I hate” statements changed my entire morning & would change the entire day and days coming i’d say.. sender shall remain unknown to all of you. just so you know that this entire situation has caused me more than a heartbreak. I lost people that are dear to me.. it may not be physically, but I lost them in trust and respect.

I need this space to talk about Si Dia.. Might take me more than 1 entry and you’ll soon find your way as to how the statement above came about…

Tanpa sedar I’ve been close to him for more than a year. Yup.. 13 months to be exact. My God, if only I have a memory of an elephant.. I would love to expel every single thing about Si Dia & I.. but unfortunately my mind has suffered relapses.. as I call it.. although my sisters love to refer to it as “the state of denial”.. Perhaps it is just that.. Denial.. Denial.. Denial.. basis of the entire unnecessary pressures.

Lets recap from January 09.. the major thing I could and want to remember is the 21^st of January 09. 11.30pm somewhere near my place. Gist of the conversation between Si Dia & I was the fact that if we didn’t try we would never know that we could be for each other. So, we decided to put our “relationship” on play mode. We decided. It was mutual. Nobody made the decision for the other person. So yes! We were and item. Notice the word “were”. Funny… Our relationship lasted 3 days.. pathetic but mostly funny. And the best part is, it didn’t end with a conversation nor did it end with an argument. I just happened. Si Dia met me and a few friends for coffee on the 3^rd day. Over the past 2 hours we were there, not once did he address me or even acknowledge my presence. I felt a thunder reap my soul off this body and I was sad.  Later I left without saying goodbye to him. Then on the way back, he texted. “I know I acted like a jerk and I’m Sorry”. I for the first time didn’t reply and decided to cool down until tomorrow. Let’s just see if I could wake up the next day & acted like nothing happened.. (evidence of being denial)!

Next morning I texted him and ask him out for lunch as it was a Saturday. He replied that he can’t as he’s packing and leaving for Bali in 4 hours! He needed space and time to find himself he said. Of course I was shocked as hell and angry coz Bali was suppose to be our trip when we took the bet to loose weight before. But then I stood and think, ok! Let him go. Let him get what he wants. Let him settle and think of his life and start setting priorities and goals in life. When I wanted to send him off, he said, don’t worry about it. He’s got a ride. Long story short, he was at the airport, he checked in but never flew to Bali.. reason being, according to him it was technicality problems.. I say, it was God’s grace to teach him a lesson for his intent to run away from problems.. (well, at least that’s how I see it..).

No news from him for the next 10 days! That includes his birthday which falls end of January. I didn’t call nor text to wish him. I assume the day he left for Bali was the end of our relationship. So I was in no way obligated to do anything anymore. But then February 3^rd he texted. Cant remember any significant conversation but he came over to see me.. we chat at the parking lot for a good 1 hour. Then we sort of came to an agreement that we need another day to really sit down and spill the beans. It was set, we went out for dinner the following night. Reservations were made at a restaurant to celebrate his overdue birthday. He picked me. Sempat menjeling before saying I look good in the white shirt and blue jeans.. Only because he had the same thing on. Hahaha.. tak sengaja… anyways, we enjoyed dinner then talked.

“I like you. I’m comfortable with you. Every day closer to you brings me close to reaching perfection. You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You’re even more beautiful than my Ex grifriend. I’m a very lucky man. My family has never stopped praising you and has never stopped wanting you to be the one. I know if I let you go I’d be the stupidest men ever. But all these are just in my head. Not my Heart. I don’t wanna hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m trying hard but I keep hurting you and I don’t wanna do that. Can we please just let things be the way it is for the time being?

So how do you think I reacted? Judging at where I am now, of course I took his idea and let things be the way it is. Not forcing each other into a relationship, let alone a commitment.

Then time pass by, February was ok.. then March came in with immerse emotional challenge. Ups and downs with him just being him and with me being the drama queen u all know I am . Then April came. The last I heard from him was April 13^th. At that time when he didn’t reply my text and ignored my calls, I said THAT”S IT. If he wants me, he’ll know where to look. It was by far the worst period of my life this year. 5 God damn weeks of silence. 35 long days and nites of total shut down. No contact made at all. No encounters whether intentionally or not. I cried almost every night for no reason, I kept checking my phone for missed calls and messages. Nada! Nothing!! I slowly learnt that I need to move on. Slowly but surely. Deleted all his SMSes. Didn’t want to at first. But God’s great. My phone had problems and has to be reformatted. Nothing could be saved. Except my soul so that I don’t have to read all his txt again every nite in bed.. Needed to find a diversion. Started gym. Lost a lot of inches, which by the way I am so fucking proud off and still working on loosing more.. Felt good. Had more time for work, family and myself. Felt great!

Then, just when I thought he was gone, he emerged! He texted on May 19^th at 7.49pm! I remember having coffee with a dear fren who later slept over. I admit, we were talking about him and how I needed to let go. Suddenly SMS came in. I picked the phone and I swear I shouted and swore! I was shivering when I showed my friend that it’s his name that appeared on the phone. I was shaking! Excited? Maybe but mostly it was as if I just saw a ghost coz he died and he came back!! Whatever the hell for..his txt read “ Hi Mel. Its been a while. Wanna meet up for Coffee?” Thank God my friend was there. She helped rationalized my thinking and reminded me of how successful I was at keeping him at bay. So, that was it. I did not reply the text at all.. Finally found the strength to live without him…

TBC (To be continued)

You’re better then the best
I’m lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that’s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it’s ok, yeah it’s ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you’re gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking throughthe sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don’t know how I lived without you
Cause everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

When a GIRL is quiet … millions of things are running in her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing … she is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions … she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers ’ I’m fine ’ after a few seconds … she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you she is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest .. she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday… she wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says ’ I love you ’ .. she means it.
When a GIRL says ’ I miss you ’ …. no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person ….

I came across this email in my inbox. My dearest cousin forwarded it to me. and guess what. It speaks of me.. YES, me being a BITCH and damn proud of it.. Read up, u’ll know why if anyone calls me bitch now, i’ll say twankkkkk you!

BITCHOLOGY  
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won’t
compromise what’s
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY   way.
It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I “should” be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won’t succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

“If you can’t do something right, get a woman to do it.”

Masa nak keluar dr Starbucks semalam, mcm byk sangat yang nak luahkan lagi.. Tapi lepas dah curhat dgn seorang sahabat on the phone kat luar umah for an hour kot, I’ve forgotten everything a that I wanted to say… its like a one-time explosion that actually is relieving.. Thank you angel for listening and advising me.. It really helps..

Semalam I slept like a baby sebab memang penat pun and ditambah dgn menangis, mata tak larat nak buka dah.. Until 5 am in the morning when I woke up with an excruciating pain in my head. I had migraine.. telan panadol and tried to sleep again, but couldn’t. 10 minutes later started to vomit water water and more water… almost 6 am, I felt dehydrated and was lying in my bed getting ready to get up to vomit again.. I fell asleep again until 8am. Woke up and saw a SMS on my phone.. Si Dia txt at 4.30 in e morning informing me that he is…… tak perlu lah cerita semua.. nanti tiada rahsia antara kita.. anyways, this morning Si Dia kata nak lunch sama2 but then takpelah, I have to go to the office walaupun masuk lambat today.. ada meeting at 3pm. Sampai sekarang almost 2pm dia tak tepon pun nak kuar lunch, so tak lah kot..

Im in my office now having retrieving and replying emails, facebooking and printing some stuff untuk meeting later.. and of course, uploaded the previous entry I wrote last nite.. tak sempat upload.. Orang Starbucks tu mcm halau je.. dah tarik roller shutters.. hehe.. and now im here writing this entry..

Im excited that my best friend is arriving from Jakarta this Friday.. We have lots of stuff to catch up with. Maybe Saturday nak pi genting.. ooopssss.. lupa nak tgk ticket bus lagi.. jap gi buat..

Hmm seriously tak tau nak tulis apa.. Oh ya.. byk actually.. nak tulis about someone tapi mcm tak boleh tulis sebab dia ada access to this blog an I don’t think I want him to know yet.. tapi yang pasti, “asik dong ngobrol ama kamu! At least gwe punya temen SMSan terus..” dia bilang kelmarin, “emangnya gwe tipenya kamu?” “kapan ketemu? Udah penasaran banget”.. translation nya.. “Am I really your type? When can we meet? Makes me wonder”.. or something like that lah… seingat aku lah.. penasaran itu is like tertanya-tanya.. anyways.. these are SMSes from an acquaintance I knew for quite sometime tapi tak rapat.. we found each other on facebook the other day. He buzzed, we exchange numbers and has not stop SMSing since.. best cakap ngan dia.. Comfortable… ok ok ok… there’s nothing going on ok… yang ini pun lagilah complicated.. lets just stop here..

Pastu yesterday morning papa call dlm kesibukan aku menguruskan PR Workshop kat convention centre. He asked if im ok to talk, sounded serious, so I spared him a few minutes. Kata my papa.. priority! So I listened and got a shock of my already messed up life.. he said that someone called asking if Im still single, she wants me to marry her gorgeous son. SERIOUSLY Gorgeous.. eyes on an angel.. Round hazel brown pupils, with long, volumized eye lashes, hidung mancung, kulit putih, tinggi yang sepadan, berkerjaya cemerlang, financially stable and  etc. then dalam aku sibuk imagine this face of desire, a guests speaker for the workshop came and I had to hang up with papa. Told him im gonna call him later tonite. Which I did at starbucks sambil2 tulis entry semalam.

Mesti ramai yang Tanya.. kalau this guy is really like how I described him, kenapa dia still single. Kenapa takde pompuan nak dia? Kenapa mak dia yang carikkan jodoh.. Now, this is where the complicated part of his life comes in. Dan atas sebab komplikasi inilah I decided last nite that I should put a stop right here. Cukup.. My life is nothing but tangled and complicated. Enough!! No more..  Cuma sekarang ni aku menunggu aunty tu call aku utk inform me of her intentions.. we’ll see where the conversation takes this matter to. I’ll update you ok..

The best thing is, papa then said that he does not want to choose who I should marry. He said its up to me. Yang penting that guy can take good care of me and love me unconditionally. Awh, papa is the best! But he had to add something after that statement.. he said that but no matter what he still has the last say. If he then said that he doesn’t accept the guy I wanna marry, then that’s it. I will not marry that guy! Boleh?? Papaku yang chomel ini selalu contradicts his own words. Suruh aku decide tapi he has the last say?? Bedanya di mana?? Hehe.. chomel lah papa ni… Love him to death!

Ok, nak pi meeting..

(TBC – to be continued)

Chop! is there such word? Sighing?? Hmm ada kot… Sigh…

Anyways.. korang mesti paham lah what im trying to say.. Apologies again for neglecting you for the past 2 weeks!! ! life has been like a rollercoaster ride and also a ‘masala’ of everything… I promised i would write on the Global Brand Forum.. tapi mcm malas and takde mood pulak.

Before I go any further in spilling you with details of my jolly rollercoaster ride, I just wanted to say that i cherish each and every day of this beautiful life i have.. yes, I’ve lost a lot of things in life, but at the end of the day, i will always gain something else.. be it love, education, friends, and definitely weight! haha.. like they say, life is too short to date ugly men… so enjoy!

ok, let’s continue where we left off with LOL.. a day following the entry, I spoke to my lil sis.. she actually knows Si Dia more than I do. He is her friend first before we were introduced. She asked him about US.. yeah, the US I tot and we both (my sis and I) I had…  and I got the answer..

Lil sis asked Si Dia.. “U know my sister likes u right??”… la di da la di da bla bla ba .. at the end of the conversation…. Si Dia said “I’m sorry if I hurt her but I treat her like I treat any other friend”..

jadi benarlah selama ini mmg takde apa2 pun..  aku je yang terlanjur suka, terlanjur sayang dan terlanjur kasih.. mujur tak terlanjur kawasan2 yang sewaktu dengannya…

Anyways… aku telah SMS Si Dia sejurus aku meletakkan telefon dgn my lil sis.. My SMS read..

“Dear Si Dia.. sorry if this came at a bad time. My sis told me u guys talked last nite.. U didn’t hurt me lah. I know rite 4rm e start I was taking a huge risk. But no matter how much I tried u r too much to resist.. :p, so I gave it a shot.  But I’ve been working on being only friends 4 the past month with glitches sometimes. So, as to not risk this fship, im telling you now that im just here to be your friend from now forth with no hanky panky business. Deal? Sori if I complicate things b4”.. of course, this was accompanied by hours of tears that nite…

Did he reply you all asked?? You think?? Well, of course he did.. dia kan gentleman.. dgn relaxnya menyatakan….

“No worries, you guys are angels and Im just  ***** (his name)..  well, of course, me being me had to write back instead of just letting him have the last say.. I wrote back in hope of trying to cool things down.. (takde yang hot pun actually)..  I said, “You’re not just *****, angels would not fall for just *****.

So that was it.. we are officially just friends!!

Tapi, KALAU SI DIA TERBACA…

Between you and me…. (and my loyal reader of course) I really don’t think that you treat me the same as you treat other girls.. Things that we do when we are alone meant something.. things u said in your SMSes previously meant something (and I keep each and every one of it..)  and I don’t think you keep that as a template to use on every other girl..  You memberi I harapan indah… I bersyukur.. sebab tak semua perempuan boleh impikan utk dapat berharap mcm i…  Alhamdulillah.. tapi I minta sgt2… Quit giving hopes if you do not have intentions in fulfilling it. It hurts!! (so u actually did hurt me a bit lah..)

You have the loveliest heart of a man that I have ever known. You say the right things at the right time, you just make every moment together with you the most cherish moments that I have yet to experience with other men. U make me wanna spend every minute of the day with you. U excite me, u make me smile.. (at least you use to.. well,u still do sometimes), u make me laugh, u treat me like a princess every single day. Itu kelebihan u dan itu yang buat I tertarik pada u right from the very beginning.

tapi u lupa.. di balik keindahan kesempurnaan yang you pentaskan, ada juga kekurangan. Likewise, I know I pun byk kekurangan, banyak sgt actually kalau nak bandingkan dgn criteria wanita idaman setiap lelaki atas muka bumi ini.. things yang buat u don’t want to spend time with me.. things yang make u stay away.. things that push u away… like being a motherly person, pesan itu..pesan ini.. tolong itu..tolong ini… I tau you independent and kalau boleh nak buat semua sendiri BUT a little help at times doesn’t hurt.. anyways, kalau itu yang push u away.. itulah kelemahan I yang I sentiasa cuba perbaiki untuk berjalan setara dengan aura u… but it seems that no matter how much I tried, it will never be enough, will it??

The truth is, you have never meant to create a space for me to even try to compete for a spot in your heart. And another truth is, I personally feel that you are AFRAID TO COMMITT YOURSELF (well, I’d give u a benefit of a doubt, u are afraid to commit now..) puncanya?? Sebab you rasa that you have to have everything in the world to provide to your other half so as to guarantee hidup yang indah dan berkekalan.. nak semuanya serba lengkap.. nak earn RM150K a month baru nak commit..

Shhhnnaaappppp…… that will work kalau u masih hidup in the 70s or 80s.. Life now in 2008 is about sharing and shared-responsibilities .. and If you, or any other guys for that matter, fail to acknowledge the fact that girls now can survive independently, then too bad! I hope lelaki mcm tu akan dijodohkan dgn gadis kampung yang memang bergantung 100% kepada bakal suami mereka! Yang tak kerja, takde education dan tau duduk umah je. Amin! Amin! Amin.. (doa I untuk org lain selalu termakbul).. Then you will know what it is like to provide every single thing.. and then you’ll know u mampu ke tak, because darl.. no one will ever be satisfied with what they have.. NEVER..  Tapi kalau u bercita2 nak urban chicks yang educated, ada kerjaya, bergaya, up to date, hot, hip, etc, please..please..please… swallow the fact that WE CAN CONTRIBUTE TO THE RELATIONSHIP TOO, AND IT DOESN’T MAKE THE MEN A LESSER PERSON! Period!

Sorry kalau entry kali ini seakan melepaskan geram kepada Si Dia. Sebetulnya this goes out to all male readers.. terserah nak kata I sexist atau feminists, I believe that my point of view counts. Cuma I tak tau macam mana nak luahkan.. Thank God for blog and facebook!

Tapi kan I dah kata awal tadi, i will always gain something else … Just so you know.. selepas episode SMS yang menyatakan that we are only friends.. we communicate better and I think even more often that we have before.. its good cumanya, HE STILL TREATS ME THE SAME WAY..  and sometimes even more.. like this one night recently when we were out for a gig.. I could swear to God that if we tell people around us that we were just friends, they will faint or perhaps find their heart skipping a beat. We look like we were so into this “relationship”.. There were sayang here and there, hand-holding and occasional little hugs here and there, and argh!!!! Mcm mana nak describe kat sini?? Payahnya!! Tak perlulah.. For me to know for you to find out! You tau kan Si Dia??   

Well at least I thought so before the nite approached its last 1 hour.. sebab in the last 1 hour, he screwed up.. hah, yang ni biarlah I ngan Si Dia je tau..  saksi ramai, cumanya takde yang I kenal… haha..

I shall continue tomorrow.. Starbucks ni dah nak tutup… Chow

TBC (to be continued)

Hi again…

Firstly, sorry it took this long to acknowledge my readers. Thank you for spending time reading Bubbles, even if most of the entries are neither in anyways educating nor information-sharing based. For those who have left comments here or directly into my inbox, i wish to thank you for your advice and thoughts. For my silent readers, thank you too…

The main idea of Bubbles is so that i have means of expressing my thoughts. Well, that’s the nature of blogs anyways. However, for me.. This is something very close at heart. To those of you who know the field I am working in might think that i would be a person that would be able to communicate well, especially to people around me. But what you fail to realize is that I am the worst candidate for public speaking or even more so in Self expressions.

Back to the title of this edition.. LOL.. laugh out loud.. hahahaha… well, if you still remember my previous entry, i asked a few question in respond to SMSes from Si Dia.. well, i got the answer 2 nights ago actually but didnt have time to write an entry as i was busy attending a 2-days Global Brand Forum conference at the Palace of The Golden Horses. Fantastic event, inspiring speakers, great food, beautiful location, hot celebrities and overall worth every ringgit paid! We paid 4 figures per head to attend this conference.. Lucky mine was sponsored…  will talk about this event in my next entry..

Now, back to LOL..  as I mentioned I got answers to my questions.  Just to refresh  your memories… the statement was..

“APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE, HAD AND WILL HAVE”.. We? As in US or U and I individually?? “I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER..” my question is.. as friends? as lovers? as partners?

It doesn’t matter now because, Si Dia forwarded the same SMS to his friends as well!! Got my answers? Damn right I did.. hahahaha… Ceh! Kenapalah tak boleh a bit more specific!

I giggled behind the steering of his wheels when he mentioned that he forwarded the sms to all.. How stupid was I again??? Assumed, assuming and still assuming that I had a chance..  well, that was until last night that is..

While we were stuck in the traffic jam heading home to my place from Subang, I gathered enough courage to ask Si Dia of his ‘unfinished business’. YES I did! I actually asked.. he told me something that I will eventually tell all of you loyal readers.. but not just yet.. maybe in a few days from now..   when we were approaching my place, he suddenly said.. “Why is that every time we go out now there’s something missing?” I asked what, not concentrating on him due to the fact that I was busy trying to gauge rationalised the new information I got on the ‘unfinished business’ of his.. Then he suddenly pull my face to face him and said, “Your Smile”!! Duhhhhhhhh!!!! You think?? Damn all these sweet talkers… well, he succeeded in making me fake a smile that night! Although I must warn you not to pull my face towards you when I’m behind the wheels! Can’t drive with my ears ok..

To male readers out there who thinks that we ladies are bricks or stones, try seeing us as sponges perhaps? Give us some credits.. we have feelings ok.. nothing less than all of you do.. have a bit of empathy .. You just threw a C4 on me and expect me to smile? Crazy ker????

Where do i even begin?? ppl might think that i do not have other things to do since i have time to update my blog during office hours.. : D In fact i dont. well, i do.. but not as much as i thought i would have.. i wanna share about what happened yesterday.. yes, its about Si Dia, yet again…

“ And through timeless words, and priceless pictures,
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth,
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure,
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together,
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts,
But it’s nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.”

Kalau Si Dia terbaca… Can this beautiful mess be ours to share??

For the past few days, my life has been through turmoil. Its chaotic and has caused me sleepless nights and days. Worth it? every simngle bit of it.. Without a doubt..

It started off with a phone call at 3.30 am, early last Wednesday morning. When I saw the name on my Sony Ericsson’s screen, I straightaway knew something was wrong..  Having being asleep for only an hour before that, the news that came in was heart dropping..

He was sick and has been hospitalized for severe gastric after trying to deal with the pain for more than 12 hours. His friends called me to inform even when he told them to wait till morning to break the news. I assumed that they decided that it was much easier to hear him being angry than to deal with my nagging from not being informed sooner. I told them I’ll come at the soonest. Friends keep calling and told me not to come as he was resting and it was dangerous for me to drive all the way in the wee hours of the morning.. But, how can I not go? How can I stay at home until 7 or 8 in the morning knowing that he is lying there in pain?? I just couldn’t.  Plus, I wanted to be there. Even if it means I had to wait that the lobby.

So, I head for the showers, made myself a cup of coffee, pack some clothes and toiletries, and as I remembered I was already in APSH within an hour from receiving the call. When I arrived, I went through the Emergency Entrance and went straight to his ward on level 4. He was fast asleep and had an IV on his left arm for drips of glucose. I stood there for 5 minutes, just staring at his pale face. I was sad. I wished and prayed it was me lying there. Not him.. I pat him on his arm and he woke. When I looked into his eyes, I almost cried but I contained myself as if something stopped me from doing so. I don’t know why. I wanted to cry. I was sad..

And instead of saying “Im glad you’re here”, he said, “What are you doing here? “ I almost laughed just thinking of it again but come to think of it, I can’t remember what I said. All I know is that I held his hands as if to assure him that everything will be fine. Well, sort of..  Its not like my presence could change anything.

I watched him sleep, changes position many times and touching his painful abdomen.. I wished I could ease his pain, but *sigh*…  he was put to be Orally NIL, awaiting his endoscope and ultra sound. When both is done by lunch time, Doctor came in at around 2 to explain his situation. Test results came back and they detected stones in his gallbladder. Not one, not 2 but 3 stones!! Doctor advised that he undergo surgery in the evening to remove the stones and they schedule for the operation.. Long story short, they took him into the OT at 7.30pm..

I waited in the ward for hours.. I remembered going down to the OT 4 times and they were still in there.. I decided to go up again and finally fell asleep at the chair at 10.30pm.. 10 minutes later, his mom came, and woke me up.. “He’s still in surgery” I said..  then we went down together to check..  my watch showed 11pm when the procedure was over! He was in there for 3 and a half hour!! I was so worried.. but glad that it was over.. Nurse on duty let us visit him in the recovery room. First mummy went in then I did. He looked weak but conscious. They then took him up to the ward.. Surgeon had to remove his entire gallbladder as it has swollen badly and they eventually discovered 5 stones, the size of marbles..  He now has a long cut on his abdomen which he refers to as a cut he got from slashing some gangster in a fight.. it seems…  guys will always be guys….

I spent 2 entire days and nights at the hospital looking after him, just in case he needs anything.. I took emergency leave of work and only remembered today that I had tones of things to do. All I knew at that point of time, I wanted to be there with him, not caring if he wanted me there… but sure enough he did.. he asked me if I could stay the following night.. and I did…  what I did for him while I was there and why I did it, shall forever remain ‘for me to know and for you to find out’..

At the end of the day, Im glad he’s home and recuperating.. I wish him speedy recovery as I miss spending time with him…

Kalau Si Dia terbaca, get well soon….